I am pretty used to feeling like the world is going to end, with death constantly on my mind, for no real reason at all. I get into these moods where all I think about is mortality - my own and my family. And it's depressing as hell. I usually come out of the funk after a few days. It's been a long time since I've felt that. There usually is no trigger. It just happens, then goes away.
But today (Sunday), I'm freaking out. I'm going to get 13 teeth extracted tomorrow, and I'm getting partial dentures. This has been a long time coming. I've always had this crazy fear of my teeth just falling out, like dreams of being able to just spit them out of my mouth. That's not happening, but I do need these suckers pulled. I've lost fillings and my gums have receded since I got pregnant 7 years ago. It's like I woke up one morning and things were a mess.
For the last year, I've been considering the work. Going to the dentist for work on one issue at a time would be way too expensive and time consuming, so I've opted to just get them ripped out. I was going to get full dentures but I decided that I'd be better off with partials because a lot of my teeth, though stained from coffee, cigarettes and antibiotics, are in decent shape. Once I made the decision and set a date, I felt better.
But on the eve of my dental work, I feel sick. I literally feel like I am going to die tomorrow. I don't even remember being this scared and nervous when I got my tubes tied last year. And that was pretty scary because when I woke up after the surgery, I was fighting like crazy to stay awake, like I'd die if I fell back asleep. I feel like tomorrow is going to be some sort of death.
I'm sure the psychologist in you is quick to point out that, like death, it's a transformation. I get that, really, and I know that's all it really is. But I'm still scared shitless. I'm an open person and I've admitted to a lot of things that would make people think less of me. I know I don't have to put this all out there, but it's who I am. On the one hand, I need the support (as much as I hate to admit needing anything or anyone!) but on the other, I worry about how people will view me because of my teeth. They are pretty bad right now, and a lot my issues with them will go away with the partials. I'm sure I'll have more self confidence and I'll be better off.
But right now, I am terrified. Even with all the research I've done, I don't know what to expect. I don't know how much pain I will be in. I don't know how I'm going to stay on Weight Watchers AND travel AND eat soft foods. I purposely decided to do this just before Christmas in the hope that I would not eat so much garbage. Plus, it was the only chance I'd have to do it until the end of April, and I really think I'm better off doing it now. Life is really good, despite my insecurities about my teeth. I want to get out and do more - get a second job, do more at the school and the PTA. I want to get my Turbo Kick certification and have the confidence to be in front of a class to teach it. There's just so much I want the self-esteem to do, especially now that I am no longer overweight. I'm happy for the first time in I can't remember how long.
But I'm still a wreck and I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. And I realize this post probably makes no sense. That's how messed up my head is - I'm barely coherent and I can't concentrate.
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